Please help me remember how it felt like being in love!

I am out of it currently.

Love used to special, warm and most importantly, gave chills in my belly. Now, it’s more of a routine, comfort zone and doesn't give anything to my belly anymore.

As a confession note, I would say: it has annoyed the bejesus out of me.

There are days when I don’t care about the heart-balance but there are days when I do, and desperately want to remember how it felt like being in love? Because I faintly reminisce that when I used to be in love, it was certainly a warm feeling. Not everything around used to be annoying, I didn’t feel the need to meditate or distract to calm myself down. Expectations were not mortified and dates were not just digits or fruit but moments! Now that I am out of it, I want to call it a phase and stop worrying about it. I like to tell myself that this all mayhem will pass and I shall reunite with the belly-butterflies. But remotely, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Maybe I have saturated, even tired, of having loved so much in so many years gone by. Maybe I just need some break or change or just a neutral phase in between my in-love and not-in-love phases! Maybe it’s the consistency of the same presence or just the very comfortable comfort zone.  I am not certain of the solution strategy but certain that I would like to feel it all again!

Because at the end, love should live - And that’s all that matters!

"इश्क बदलता रहे कोई हर्ज़ नहीं;
इस मुकाम पे आकर लगता है के शायद उसका जिंदा रहना ज्यादा ज़रूरी था!"

आवाज़

आवाज़ दी है, 

कुछ दूर तक तो गयी होगी 

तूने सुना होगा, कुछ आहिस्ता से, 

कुछ असर तो हुआ होगा; 

मेरी आवाज़ है अगर तेरे एहसास में 

तो कुछ तो उमड़ा होगा 

क्या हुआ जो मुझ तक तेरी आवाज़ नहीं पहुंची 

मैं सोचती हूँ , 

आवाज़ सुन कर मेरी 

तूने मुड कर , इधर उधर तो देखा होगा!!

With special remeberence and fond thoughts, this one came out in a jiffy of say 60 seconds, and not even in lone moments but right in middle of a hangout , in between the conversations! 

tells me how big a bluff-master a human's mind could be!! 

मेरा अज़ीज़ सामान

क्यों ऐसा होता है 

के कभी कभी घर से  निकलके 

बहुत दूर चलने के बाद 

याद आता है , के 

पीछे कुछ छूट गया 

कुछ ज़रूरी सा, कुछ अज़ीज़ सा 

जो संभाला था कई जतनों से 

वही बेहद कीमती सा, 

घर पर ही छूट गया 

अब् पीछे जाना मुश्किल है 

और आगे चलना भी मुनासिब नहीं 

क्या करूँ, दिल में बड़ी कश्मकश  है 

कुछ देर रुक जाती हूँ 

बीच रास्ते  में  अनमनी सी होकर थम जाती हूँ 

फिर कुछ सोच के, भारी मन से 

आगे बढ़ जाती हूँ 

पर मेरा मन , वहीँ छूट जाता है 

मेरा वह अज़ीज़ सामान , 

मुझे अब भी वापस बुलाता है 

ऐसा भी होता है

Photo- http://bit.ly/QRtbhz

क्या तुम्हें मालूम है ,

ऐसा भी होता है, 

कभी कभार, 

गले में जैसे कुछ, 

अटका सा रहता है; 

सांस का रुख पलट जाता है 

और आँखों का समा ज्यादा रौशन नहीं होता 

मालूम है ऐसा कब होता है, 

जब कुछ अपना, बहुत अपना 

कहीं खो जाता है 

और मैं सोचती हूँ ,

अभी तो यहीं था , ऐसे कैसे खो सकता है 

कुछ दिन ढूँढती  हूँ, 

फिर थोडा मन को समझाती  हूँ, 

अब क्या होगा सोचने से ;

और मन फिर से ज़रा सा ,

भर सा आता है! 

Sometimes beautiful anklets hide the sour shoe bites!

It happens all the time, we don’t really look at them, caress them or give them their due importance, the importance and respect that they deserve to take us places , by far and by long, to miles and people and to uncertainties and possiblities!

Yes I am talking about our feet, those two supple flesh pieces , always being  the firm base, walking , suffering shoe bites to look good, washed and brushed with chemicals to stay clean, painted in different colors on tips to gloss and still ignored sometimes, scuffed in shoes ! Those feet are just like people of our lives which have always been there- always as a part of the firm base, as the RCC to the building and yet always taken for granted!

We all know, somewhere deep in our hearts, how we actually ignore some of the gems of our lives, think of their availability as their addiction for us , doing everything to them that they don’t deserve at all in the worst ways but still counting on them! We all have such set of people in our lives- who were and are, always by our sides- whenever we need them- and we know it!!

These people are the feet, who if ignored for a long time, can also hide themselves well behind a beautiful leather shoe and look good on the face! They can suffer shoe bites quietly  doesn't means to pack them in sour shoes always, because ultimately it will ache to you, not in the feet but in the brains!

So it’s good if we realize that sooner we start caressing them, realizing their importance in life , appreciating their every selfless effort for us and pedicure them well to gloss!!

And buying a beautiful anklet to add glitz to them will only make YOU feel better!Keep them happy, always!!

डायरी

There are times when every writer suffers through a Creative Blockage, the time when your mind becomes blank, no incoming outgoing of ideas, thoughts , feelings. same happened with me! Then My Diary, my best friend came to my rescue! This piece of poetry highlights how painful at times it gets for a write not able to write something for days!! 

The Diary

कुछ भूल रही हूँ शायद, या फिर कुछ और सोच रही हूँ

पढ़ रही हूँ कुछ, और तस्वीर कोई और देख रही हूँ

मन भटका है, आजकल यूँ ही कोरी घूम रही हूँ

आदतें छूट रही हैं, पर मैं क्यों उन्हें छूटने दे रही हूँ 

हाँ याद आया

एक डायरी रक्खा करती थी पास हमेशा

जो अच्छा लगता था, झट से उसमे लिख लेती थी

आज जब ढूंदा  उसको , तो याद आया वो तो घर पे रह गयी 

हाँ याद आया

अबतक यही भूल रही थी 

यही आदत थी, जो छूट रही थी 

उलझन

"कभी हैसियत नहीं होती तो कभी ख्वाहिश नहीं होती 

गर कभी आरजू हो, तो उस बदनसीब की किस्मत नहीं होती" 

Off (the) Fence: Offence

Fences are installed to make sure nobody else intrudes in your territory, whether its land or relationships-enclosures are everywhere! The only way they differ is their appearance. The way they are imposed may only vary and what can remain constant is their presence.

Take any example of life and you will find the Fences there! A child is born and there are fences telling him what is right what is wrong, whom to play with whom not to play with; a girl goes out on a scholarship, there are fences prescribing whom to talk with, whom not to interact with; a new life when you start your career, fences of what to hide, what not to act!

All the relationships have fences too! There are standard benchmarks as per which the commitment towards a relationship is judged. Protectiveness and possessiveness are important ingredients of a bond but distrust is a separate phenomenon. Where acceptance and communication should stand first on approach, instead there are Fences-of delusion and disgust, and the moment you cross them it becomes the Offence!

Fences are no ‘new-world’ occurrence, they were always there! The great epic Ramayana could take birth only because of a fence that was crossed out of innocence and a decision taken by heart. So what if even after Agni Pariksha, the savior was rejected by the lady, the epic was written and the Fence is still debated upon!

Fences are meant to protect, not to uproot things with their sharp edges. Fences should define but not re-define the shapes! Fences can describe my territory to others but shouldn’t tell me what my territory is! It’s sad to say that fences don’t define my area of freedom; they cut into the margins of others and suddenly uproot me of my ownership! Here I cross the fence and it becomes Offence! Rhyming but bitter truth.

So if at all you were to define the boundaries, try to control the fences first. Implant them only when you are sure you are not intruding in other’s space. And even if you find them a little twisted, little distorted, don’t leave the land, and shift the fence a little! May be there is no need of going OFF the fence then and within the fence, there would be no offence!! 

It’s a glass half full or glass half empty

It could be ‘shocking’ pink for one and ‘just’ pink for another; obsession for her, madness for him; love for some, addiction for others; expression for me, insanity for everyone else! When a glass is half filled with water, it’s up to you to decide its half filled or half empty.

Life is no big puzzle like this glass in question. In simple terms, life consists of just two entities- You yourself and everybody except you. Near-far, close-distant, strangers or not-so-strange, that’s how you can categorize each and every single person you have met throughout your entire birth hood to evil hood. It’s just being stupid , trying to make out problems out of nothing , figuring them out and coming up with a self-satisfactory(only) piece of shit which you can elevate in front of your ‘close’ ones and that only soothes your own ego (and I bet you know it).

Troubles don’t exist! They are just mental illusions which we make to keep us otherwise refrained and happy. We give our not-so-satisfied souls a little reason to be unhappy about something and then we do everything we can to come out of ‘it’ only to be happy .And being happy here is the name we give to ourselves swimming against the currents.

Acceptance is the mantra. ‘Something is always better than nothing’. I am reminded of a famous quote here  'I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man that had no feet’(George Bernard Shaw)  Life is not that kind on everyone as it is on you. Stop grinning, sulking and bringing those annoying lines between your brows. Laugh so that people(from all the categories mentioned above) look forward for you. Smile because you are worth it!  Problems have a problem too; they stay away from people who say glass is half full!

So feel good, love candidly and giggle persistently .Guilt will shy away and who knows , the glass half empty can have some wine to ‘fill’ it up, if not water!

Hoping for the best myself!!

Chai and Champagne

The froth in the pan had boiled down to my cup…and I am all excited to let it flow through my throat as soon as possible..yeah its chai…my God of all times…good-bad, happy-sad, romantic-pathetic..it has always been my cup of tea that has relaxed me the most .Its an addiction to me, something which is really necessary for me to survive .God knows the reason why I fast for him (chai is allowed in fasting) and so somewhere I have started relating myself to it. Now that’s a twist, how can anybody relate or connect him/herself to a cup of tea.?? .well I surely can., a chai has got so many stories to weave around it , so many fragrances to feel about it..it is as Indian as I am..takes birth from the heart of the earth to which I am a child, it being my motherland.; the halo affect it passes through of its taste being judged by its brown colour as like my original Indian brown complexion ; .stands as a medicine for almost (I believe) every ailment, just like I feel so good about caring for people around me ; its aroma speaking for its character just like our behavior speaks for our own character and last but not the least the satisfaction and the comfort it gives to its beloved when brought to the lips…..that’s why I say.. it’s my’ God of all times’.

   
But is it chai which works for everybody. .certainly not!! So for that herd of the crowd  there is a Goddess .”.Champagne”. Goddess it is because satisfaction from a  goddess comes tagged with a sexual appeal. Sexual appeal, the champagne has plenty of it..indeed .It is more ‘not so Indian’ as we think it could be. Yellow for it adulteration, froth for its agitation, airy for its hollowness, flashy for its luxury but still lovely for its ability to arrest its beloved’s senses. Beloveds it has many, to which she is always a master no matter whether in bottle or inside!!

I sat down with my pen to do a write up on my last visit to Goa but what a cup of tea and a mug of champagne has to do with it…it has, a lot to do….!! Goa to me seemed to be a mug of champagne and most of the rest part of the country, of course chai. Not hesitant to mention when I stepped out my first foot on the land of Goa, I was fascinated like anything. The words of that moment were excitement, curiosity, and thrill. I was least aware of what Goa was all about but I wanted to explore it, as soon as I can. And I put the entire blame on the vibes of that place to make me think that way. Definitely the place has certain vibes which can make even an old heart feel like a young apple.
    I wont exaggerate if I say that the beaches there can drive anybody crazy and so do they did with me. It was the blue surf that I could feel under my foot , between me and the already wet sand as if it was creeping in me, no matter I wanted it to accept it or not, as fast as it can. One time, second time, third time, it kept on coming to me and going back just like a lover tries to pull his beloved back to him after an intrusion. It was deeply agitated but still quite, serene, it appeared grey but it was not hard to judge how many colors it has sacrificed to become this and that was the first time I realized in my life that there are things beyond my cup of tea which relax me, to which I can connect myself better . Somewhere at the back of my mind I also wanted to be like the sea, carefree, absolutely.
This was the first peg of the champagne that I tasted in Goa and it had already started spelling its magic on me..!

 The second peg of the evening came in an other form, in the form of the places there ,the forts. You can just stand at one nook of those amazing forts there, spread your hands wide , feel the vast waterbed ahead of you and you will actually feel the force of buoyant without even being in water! Isn’t that a magic again but that happens, just as in my case. I felt terrifically weightless, as if there was nothing in this world worth caring about, no issues worth to trouble me anymore and this became the second shock of my life, I was feeling airy, in this hypnotic environment. It was trying to take me somewhere I have never been..


The third and the last peg of my first experiment with this amazing drink came with a hick!! The nightlife of goa  and became something which I could never forget in my life, at first it was simply a dance floor and a wave of music that was there but I never thought it could be more engulfing than the sea was. While sipping this third peg I had a hit, and suddenly I discovered an absolutely new way to forget everything, to dump your thought process for a while by just being lost. Lost in the music, lost in the rhythm, lost in that atmosphere, there was so much noise that nobody could stay quite, to survive you have to shout and being loud by default kills all the itchy areas of your thought process. Certainly when you can’t think you cant be tensed anymore!

I was numb after my three pegs, done, exhausted, out of my senses and then I found a 6th sense reverting back to me...this was something I was never aware of but even in that state I could make out that this was the real me!!! I discovered an entirely new part of me...that is adventurous, fun-loving, carefree and hates thinking! Something  which my chai never introduced me to.
I came back from goa and with my luggage brought the thought that it couldn’t  always be  the same old good thing that can satisfy you which you think it might be doing well. Give time and explore yourself and know what actually satisfies you ,a cup of chai or a mug of champagne and then…a lot of things will turn straight. Now when I sit in my window in a nostalgic encounter with myself, I still love my cup of tea but the memories of the bubbles of the long and sleek glass ooze my emotions with a gentle smile!!

On the verge....!!

The strings are tangled ,

And the threads now breaking

I wait to surrender,

My soul now aching .

I hold my breath,

And see the vital signs of rupturing;

Breaking inside

I still smile to this beckoning.

No voices I can hear now,

No intuitions anywhere for me;

All I try is to slowly detangle,

perhaps I can save the flouting!

On the verge I am

Holding this entire numb sea ;

I wish to crawl back

and once again see you smiling with me!!

"MUSE"

I walk in the trail of life

But still long for the being of  my ‘muse’

I surpass the colors of love

But still wonder if I can bath in any

I yell to help but

My ‘muse ‘ is nowhere

I catch the flyers to hold on its mirage

But again my ‘muse’ is a blind escapade

I keep running through the insignias

But my ‘muse’ is only at a distance

I shall find it one day

Or I would lose the game of life!!