Confessions!

We do them and yet don’t, many times! It depends, upon the consequences- which we calculate mentally, before doing them! Less loss, ok, here I confess! Huge loss, which can’t be fixed- Alright, I am never going to do this one and keep it hidden like a precious stone of memoir thrown in the ocean!

Should I, Shouldn't I?

How do confessions originate- have we thought of it – ever? Well, they come from our will power! “Resistibility” is the word if I may put it aptly. Had I resisted before that moment, it would have never been that moment and hence no further thinking, no traumatic heartburns, no choking guilt and hence no confessions.

But as a matter of fact, we don’t bloody resist! MANY TIMES! A funny thing here is that even while resisting (or not resisting for that matter) we are calculating, in our heads, the fun we are going to have, the pleasure we will get if we don’t resist. So if we resist, we regret, if we don’t, we still regret! 

Its just that 

No resistance > Pleasure>Guilt>Confession>Consequences 

Resistance> No pleasure>Regret (Consequence)

So basically there is no way out!!

So isn't that better, to not resist, commit the crime, enjoy and then regret about it? At least you had the pleasure right? And then as per your mental calculation of consequences, you may further decide to or not to confess the same.

And let me just add to clear the airs, its not the confession which people do to a priest in a church or in a temple who don't do any harm in return to them, Its just an easy way of melting away the guilt  overload by not directly confessing it to the person to whom they have done wrong. Since they know that priest will just nod listening to them they go ahead and so called confess, but that is NOT a confession. A confession will be one if made to the victim , to the person who is in capacity to actually make you face the consequences. And if you think its too much if a consequence, chuck it, don't confess!! But try stop living with it, try to avoid their multiplication & resist at times! After all, we cant have all the fun right! 

But......I think I still don’t have a concrete answer to this one! If anyone reading this has, please do let me know. Confess!!!!

One Quarter Down!

I am completing a quarter today- wait, not the quarter of a tinted and spirited bottle but a quarter of my life- and its Gross okay!

Few days back I noticed one grey strand in my not-so-luscious wavy hair and it brought to my notice that it’s not far when I will also turn old and sour! And lately I have been an ardent fan of “Grey’s Anatomy” and it often occurs to me that I might meet an accident someday just abruptly, so I thought it was the perfect time to write my own will!

Will…?? Yes, well a Will! In which you give anything of your own by your own will – yes I am talking about that same will!

A few of my friend were amused at this idea and in turn asked me what do you have as such that you are writing a will and I answered them with an airy expression that “Not everything is about money  in life”! So here we go;

I have a (rather two) cupboards full of clothes- I would want each of my special friends to pick one dress which I ever wore with them and hang it in their cupboards, like the way it’s done in Brokeback Mountain movie- so that they can always remember me the way I was with them (and in the same clothe size). Same goes for the shoes and bags!

All my gadgets and gold and cash goes to my dear BF (he secretly expressed his interest in the same one day). Also I will let him take all the pending bills too!( Life Revenge :D).  My toys (yes I still have teddy bears and 13 dolls as my secret possessions) go to my next generation i.e. to the kids in my family.

And the most important thing- my DIARY (rather diaries) full of poems and my passion. They go to one person, a very dear friend who has always admired them – with the copyrights too! So that one day he publishes a book out of them and plays in the cash ;)

And rest everything goes back to my parents – don’t worry, despite of all above there is still much left in the room! And because they will be the only ones who would keep and cherish every small thing of mine close to their hearts!

I always wanted to have either a Catholic wedding or a funeral! Since I don’t have my love interest in a catholic, I wish to go for the second option.

Talking about my funeral –I would prefer to be buried in a classic chocolaty chestnut coffin with pink satin inside to lie on! And I will want all my friends to gather together – the dressing theme be obviously “pink” and everyone should make merry! I don’t mind if you all go merry-go-round but well that’s how it is!

But given that, I am not dying so soon and that life has to do a lot more damage to me before I can finally get rid off it, I assume to read this when I complete another quarter of my life- and may be just laugh it all off! May be I won’t be writing anymore then or I might be a very famous Bookie award winner; may be all my clothes would have retired by then and I may not be able to fit into them ever; whatever happens then will not be same like right now!

So I am just preserving all what I have right now – So that I can scroll down my blog 25 years later and have a few pink butterflies tinkling me!

Cheers to whoever read this!

-          Aakriti ( Kaveesha) , 06^th August 13’

PS- Since I assumed I will be very busy today, I wrote this piece yesterday itself! :P

Half Mesmerized

There are habits – old ones and the new ones, habits that we have lived with for years with and habits that we have recently acquired. Old ones become addictions and new ones become passion. Old ones are the ones we no more think about, they are like reflexive actions and the new ones, we long for them, we try to seek them – to get them into our systems.

Old habits – they are realized when they seem to be sneaking away , when one fine day we suddenly discover we are no more doing them or rather not doing them consciously , they are just happening – themselves- like an auto button!

New ones- we love them, we crave for them, we take conscious efforts for them and try to pull them – towards us and even if they are off the sight a second, we miss them – terribly!

So it becomes a war between addictions and passions! Addictions- something that we can’t live without and passions- something we don’t want to live without!

But passions might fade away if not nurtured, kept like a baby or even if not thought about for some time. Addictions have been there since forever. They are more like need of the body than the soul – after all we have tamed our bodies to be habitual of them. Passions- they rock our ecosystem – brains, hearts and souls. Most of the thinking goes in thinking about the passions. But if we consider the cumulative account of the thinking gone in both of them, addiction cannot be defeated by passion.

And then we are left midways, we are in a puddle of dilemma and have no idea which way to complete; we are almost mid ways both ways. We can’t leave addictions and are unable to leave the passion. We are left bedazzled, like a leg on one boat and the second on another – and deep down we know, this will certainly not take us anywhere. So basically, neither we enjoy our addictions anymore nor we can really do anything to fulfill the passions. 

So what do we do?

We enjoy only half the fun, we see only half the beauty and we feel only half the ecstasy.

We are left Half Mesmerized!

PS- Old habits die hard! 

तीन एहसास

बीती रात भीगी थी कुछ उम्मीदों के सैलाब में ;
आज की शाम भी कुछ नम ही गुज़री उन्ही उम्मीदों के ख्याल में 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


महफूज़ करना इन लम्हों को बेशक़ ये भागते से नज़र आएंगे 
भर लेना किसी खाली शीशी में कुछ अंश तो कम से कम तेरे संग रह जायेंगे 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


इश्क महफूज़ किसका हुआ है आज तक जो तेरा ही होगा, 
इसका एक जुर्म ही यही है कि बस ये ठहरता नहीं है 

Hope is the only Dope

I just know
that I can see the start of it all-
The one which is sure to crumble me
and won't leave me unaffected

The end is far & misty
but I have a walking stick
of my faith and the love of my folks,
to lead me through the fog &...
I have my thank u note already ready for the best!

My fingers will be crossed,
for the better and the best
for their happy souls and my ultimate peace
and I don't wish to pretend this time
for I take it all destined,
and still pray for a beautiful destiny in hold

Let the best happen for the rest of it all
let the end overshadow the beginning of this misery
and then I will say

I have seen it all!

The Ray of Hope #KaveeshaKlicks

भीगे एहसास

जब मन पहले से

भीग रहा हो एहसास में
और ऊपर से बरसात
हो जाये इस इत्तेफाक में

आँखें ढूंढे कोई छाँव ,
सर छुपाने के सरफ़राज़ में
और ढ़ेरों कोशिशों बाद मिले
छितरी पत्तियों वाला एक अधनंगा पेड़
जो खुद ही जैसे पनाह चाहता हो
किसी मांगे हुए लिबास में,

फिर क्या उम्मीद और क्या प्यास,

एहसास भीग गए अब तो बरसात में
इत्तेफाक गल गए
आज इस मांगे हुए, पुराने लिबास में !!

It’s only you who is responsible for your “happiness”

Life consist of situations, decisions, choices and consequences and all this for what- “happiness”

We might be ruled over or dominated or even influenced or even emotionally controlled, at times, to make certain choices in different situations and thereby to sustain its consequences. Don’t let yourself suffer that!

Yes, I will say that again- Don’t let yourself suffer that! 

Our lives are not just about us , they are a complex mix of so many people around, our families, friends, people we fall in love with, people we have secret crushes on , people who are in love with us and we aren't , those we admire and those we hate but eventually it’s about “us” ! Whatever we do has a certain impact on all of these people but ultimately who suffers or enjoys is “us”!

True happiness can come only by the choices we make- uninfluenced and uncontrolled by any emotional trauma. Happiness which comes otherwise is only a satisfaction which comes by the sacrifice of making others happy!  We need to be able to differentiate in the two.

People whom I talked about above, these are off course important people but are they really going to be victim of the consequences? No! They will just stand by you, with sad and sympathetic faces but it’s only you who will suffer.

So, it’s essential to realize that the only person most important in your lie is you yourself! Nobody else is going to face the eventual outcomes. These people, it’s not their fault that they sense different consequences and try to influence your decisions because they love you. But, it’s equally important to realize that however deep they might love you, they may not be the right people to help you make the crucial decisions of life! Sometimes, there is nobody to think of your happiness because everyone is busy thinking of the consequences, at that time, make sure, you stand up for yourself. Make sure you do everything to save your happiness, irrespective of the consequences, irrespective of influences.

Take the call, decide for yourself and experience the real happiness – so what if it comes with a little consequence. At least it won’t be the side effect of sacrifices! 

Remember - Eventually its only about "you"!!

A letter to my muse

Missing you - right now!

And I am confessing- I have kind of a selfish motive behind! I am missing my muse- I am missing my writing!

I will not behold myself to tell u how I miss those amazing moments of ours where we sat for so long  and discussed point of views, relationships n poetry!

According to wikipedia, there r two kinds of love- ishq-e-haqiqi and ishq-e-majazi but I say there's one more kind of love which I have always called - an intellectual affair-- a love affair that goes between two minds rather than hearts!

Hearts are foolish beings! Minds are men whereas hearts are women.They don't think- they just know how to love, care and caress!! They are the followers like the ones which are seen in the herd of a cattle! They follow the mind like an innocent sheep. They are givers and always get all the sympathies of the world!

Minds- they lead!! Simple and straight! They apply logics and think of consequences! But what if they are lead by another one- will the heart refuse to follow? Never!

Such is an intellectual affair where over and above the hearts or bodies, the mist happens between the two brains who wander in the similar directions! The two in which both apply logics but similar ones - there is appreciation more than love, wit more than dialogues and 'connect' more than an actual intercourse.

We share the same frequencies if not telepathies, we are each others' muses and we both know that, we even have adapted each others way of expressions but it hardly matters! What matters is the same page on which we both stand like headers n footers!

Love is supposed to complement n not to supplement!!

I miss the laughter on those silly jokes which u cracked n I crashed; those adrenaline rushes which occurred when u said something I was about to say n those 'timing' factors which I may rest not to say!

At this point I am also thinking of our coffee meets- when I being a total 'tea-lover' was out there sipping hot coffee with you - just because you were a 'tea-hater'!  Because it was never the beverage but the company to me which mattered the most!

With sharing, laughing and admiring in eyes, brains & hearts- unsaid n yet understood things-- I am missing u!!

इबारतें (3)

इबारतें थमीं हैं ,

आजकल,

इबादतें बदलाव पे आमादा हैं ;

मेरे हज की गलियों के नक्श 

शायद किसी पुराने संदूक में,

आराम फ़रमाते होंगे ,

मगर गलियां मुझे याद हैं; 

हर आहट समेटती ,

इन पन्नों की गिनती ख़त्म होने पे है 

मगर ये बदलती इबारतें, 

मुझे मेरे हज की गलियों में 

बार बार धकेल आती हैं;  

इबारतें अब भी थमी हैं, 

इबादतें मगर, 

रोज़ाना बदल रही हैं | 

And Ibaratein part 3 is here- after 4 months of Ibaratein 2 

A few words have become family to this series, featuring themselves in every post but the connection keeps on changing! 

I am not sure i will write other parts to "Ibaratein" series or not but am sure if I do, teh thread will be seen, strong and long! 

Read Ibaratein 1 here!! 

इबारतें : Writing
इबादतें: Prayers
नक्श:Map
बेबाक:Frank

किस्मत

किस्मत ग़र बिका करती दुकानों में, 

तो सोचो कीमत क्या आंकी जाती 

ख्वाहिश तो सब करते थोड़ी थोड़ी खरीदने की ,

पर हैसियत फिर आड़े आजाया  करती; 

किस्मत की कीमत भी फिर, 

शायद किस्मत जैसी ही हो जाती 

दाम चुकाने के लिए 

फिर थोड़ी किस्मत की दुआ की जाती ;

फख्र करें इसके बदले 

थोडा सुकून हासिल हो जाता मुफ्त में 

तब दुआएं क़ुबूल हुआ करती 

कीमत और किस्मत काश बेगैरत होती !

Peace Is Sleeping #KaveeshaKlicks